The Subtleties of Patriarchy

When I was a kid I dreamt of a time of my life when I would get married to a tall, blonde man and have four children. I was a housewife in my daydreams, always taking care of my children and husband.  If you would have asked me what else I wanted to do when I grew up, my answer would have been, “teach”.  Teaching was something that I knew I could do, but it never felt like the first priority for my life.  Family was to be the first priority.

In my adult life, I have come to understand that this dream – both to be a housewife and a teacher - was a product of my socialization as a woman.   I know this to be true because I am now a strong, intelligent woman with many options for professions and other life activities. If I were a boy, I would have known what else I wanted in my life as a child and would not have been limited to dreaming about a role as a caretaker.  If you don’t believe me, do a little experiment.  Ask the men and women in your life if they ever felt limited to a caretaking profession (whether that be as a wife and mother or as a teacher or social worker, etc.).  Then ask yourself why it is that women are always the ones taking care of others. We are NOT biologically predisposed to caretaking.  That’s a myth.

I believed that I wanted the life of a wife and mother (with the specific role of taking care of my family) until the age of 23, when a deep place inside me created such a conflict and commotion that I called off my impending wedding.  At this point in my life, I still hadn’t developed any other dreams for my life outside of having a family and calling off my wedding was a bit like staring terrified into the blankness of my future.  Needless to say it was not an easy choice, but I made it because a voice inside of me that had been silent for so long needed to speak.

Patriarchy exists at all times and in all places, but in my life it has been very hard to see. I wasn’t aware that my choice to call off the wedding was a choice to give me voice about what I wanted for my life.  This awareness came upon me gradually and only really took hold in the last couple of years. Now that I have become much much more aware of the impact of patriarchy on me, I am incredibly saddened and frustrated by it.  I often feel like screaming about it, but when I imagine screaming, I feel unheard. I am able to recognize patriarchy and my internalization of it, but still feel at a loss as to what to do about it.

Now that I’m in my thirties, and waking up to patriarchy, I want to know the specifics.  I want to be mad at the instances of dehumanization and at the people who dehumanized me.  The problem is that they are sometimes so subtle that I don’t recall exactly what they are.  And my analytical self knows that individuals are not really to blame.  There is no one person to blame or be angry at.  It’s a systemic issue that people can collectively change, but it will take time and lots of people with lots of effort.

A dream I had recently reflects well my frustrations.  I dreamt that it was my graduation day.  I was feeling very proud of myself and excited for the ceremony. I was getting myself ready while my family members busied themselves with other things around the house. My grandfather, however,  sat in a recliner reading the paper and as I passed him he stopped me and asked, “Susanne, could you please vacuum the carpet?” No mention of my scholarly achievements. I immediately felt invisible, but shook my head in agreement because he was my grandfather – someone who I needed to show respect, even on my graduation day.   I wanted to be proud of myself and my accomplishments, but these weren’t valued by my family in the dream and instead I was asked to fulfill the role that was expected of me – to care for my family.  And I didn’t say a thing.  In my dream I felt angry, but went along with it anyway.

So, what can I do with all this anger and frustration? I’ve decided that I need to feel heard and to feel heard I need to speak.  And so, I will write.  I will often write in this blog about my experiences with patriarchy because even though many of the stories are subtle (without overt abuse), they have and continue to dehumanize me and other women I know.  I will write because I hope that it will help me process the pain and anger I feel towards this dehumanization.  I will write because I need to do something.  So, here are my stories. . .